I have an on and off relationship with my mom. Yeah, just like many other mother-daughter relation, during my teenage and young adult time I argued with her a lot. And mom objected plenty: about my mini skirt choices, my male friends or the breached curfew. Differ than my dad whose being protective by sending people or making sure I had someone who’s eyeing me, mom would use words. Flying out her teeth like speeding bullet: fast, sharp and hurtful.

Now, I have a good relationship with my mom. We went on a trip together exploring Vietnam and Cambodia, Singapore also Australia. Mom also takes care of my son whenever I needed to go for business trip but still with our current state, I still thought I had a terrible teenage year.

Anw as you can read from my blog posts, lately I journal a lot about my childhood involving her. And I am reminded that actually I had lots of good times with my mom. It’s funny how my mind tricks me to stick on the bad time teenager memories than the sweet childhood one whilst tbh I had even way better memories with her.

I appreciate more of this journaling habits:

• It opens up layer by layer of my life which I have forgotten.
• It brings different kind of perspectives which I didn’t know before.
• It entangles my rumpled mind.
• I have a calm clear mind which I enjoy so much.
• The happiness comes from inner side not outside.

I guess journaling brings back the dusted memories hidden in the corner of my brain. I always thought I had a miserable teen but now I can see it from different angle.

Anw, still sometimes I snapped for reliving my teen memories. Hubby and my bff keep on reminding me to hold on to good memories. Then I snapped even more ‘coz it’s difficult. But now after I consistently journaling, no one needs to remind me to hold on to good memories, my mind is in auto pilot remembering it. And I am at peace. Mom, I love you.

I think I am gonna stick doing this; the journaling thing 😊 Just like right now. Yeay.

“Mama”

She used to be my only enemy and never let me be free

Catching me in places that I knew I shouldn’t be

Every other day I crossed the line I didn’t mean to be so bad

I never thought you would become the friend I never had

Back then I didn’t know why

Why you were misunderstood mama

So now I see through your eyes

All that you did was love

Mama I love you

Mama I care

Mama I love you

Mama my friend

You’re my friend

I didn’t want to hear it then but I’m not ashamed to say it now

Every little thing you said and did was right for me

I had a lot of time to think about about the way I used to be

Never had a sense of my responsibility

Back then I didn’t know why

Why you were misunderstood

So now I see through your eyes

All that you did was love